I hate that time is passing. I hate that I'm getting further away from that day. I hate that I'm forgetting what she looked like in my arms.
Despite the immense pain I feel, I am eternally grateful for Ella. It makes me so happy to reflect on memories I have of her. She gives me such joy. Because of her, I am a mother. I proudly wear her little footprints around my neck. Her things are still hanging in my closet. I wish I could change the outcome of everything, but I don't wish that I never got pregnant.
What a perfect day for this photo to arrive from my friend Loni. I'm so grateful for the friendships I have made through this whole ordeal.
I think I'll go to the store and get some flowers for Ella.
**Update**
I think Ella wanted me to know she was with me today. I received 9 photographs today for her gallery. My heart is smiling!
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It really is not fair that time just keeps passing. I just wanted everything to stop...I mean, I lost my child (twice)! Why shouldn't the world stop? It is a bit easier now than it was in the beginning...but you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful pic, by the way.
Thinking of you and Ella today. Hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteThree months was the hardest time for me. Don't feel bad about not realizing the date...I know that happened to me multiple times. In fact, your post made me realize that tomorrow will be 11 months since Ada was born. It's so hard to believe. In a way I HATE that time has passed, but time truly has helped me heal and think about all of the positive things that Ada's life gave me.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you're able to get up and accomplish tasks, even just things like doing the dishes and laundry. Stuff like that helps you feel like a human being again.
On a much lighter note...I LOVE Gilmore Girls! I have all 7 seasons on DVD and I've seen them all multiple times. My husband and I went out to LA for a family thing (his family) about 3 years ago and my only request for the trip was that we tour the GG set. It was awesome. I think you and I would get along great! :)
The anticipation of "the day" always seems so much harder than the actual day.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your beautiful butterfly today, and always.
Thinking of you both on this day. xo
ReplyDeleteThe passing of time seems to be a blessing and a curse. With the passing of time, I feel Ella slipping from me, but I also am grateful for the passing of time because it puts me farther from the tragedy. Sometimes time is a friend, sometimes it's not. Thinking of you and Ella.
ReplyDeleteI remember wanting to stop time and to stay in my grief because it was what I had the last time I saw him- I also remember the day I didn't cry- and then crying because I didn't cry- it's an odd thing- our grief- it's ours and it is a difficult thing to let go of- everyone keeps it for as long as they need it- I wrote about my experience here if you're interested...
ReplyDeletehttp://momentsofpause.blogspot.com/2009/04/i-wondered-if-it-would-ever-happen.html
Thinking of you and remembering Ella! (ps- my boys-angel were born on the 15th as well...)
Hugs-
L
I agree with you. I hate that time passes by and it feels like these last nine months have happened in a matter of weeks. The pain is still very fresh. I love Ella's name in the sand. It is so strange to not regret going through this pain. I wish Gregory was here with me and that I didn't lose him. But I certainly never wish I didn't have him at all. I much prefer being a mother to a dead baby than no baby. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteThis is a ggreat post
ReplyDelete