Last Post of the Year

I don't really have any overwhelming feelings of excitement about the impending New Year. Maybe it's because I met my daughter in 2009. 2009 is the only year I will ever have with her. Most people have several years and decades even with their children. I will only ever have 2009. So, moving away from that is a bit sad. I guess I'm jaded as well. Last year, I excitedly rang in the New Year, happy to bid adieu to 2008. 2008, the year I watched my dad die from cancer. Husband and I rarely do much on NYE. But last year, we got all dressed up and went out for a nice dinner. Partly because I was excited to say goodbye to 2008, but mostly because we figured it would be the last time we'd get to go out on NYE without arranging for a sitter. I hope that 2010 will be much better than the last two years, but I'm not sure. I was confident 2009 would be good to us and it wasn't (other than bringing us our beautiful daughter).



So, our 2009 ended with the same bad luck we've been encountering all year long. Yesterday, our poor dog was bit badly at her first day of dog camp. Husband and I were giddy with excitement to enroll her in a local day camp for dogs. We thought our girl would love nothing more than to run around a farm with a bunch of other dogs a couple of times each month. We've been taking her to our local dog park for four years and have never had a single incident occur. About 30 minutes after dropping her off, we received a phone call that she had been bit and would require stitches. Six hours and $900 later, we were finally able to bring our broken-spirited girl home. Poor thing has to wear a cone on her head for two weeks and is all disoriented from the anesthesia. She keeps running into the furniture.I know it could be a lot worse. But, it's heartbreaking to watch her in misery.


So, I'll say my goodbyes to 2009. And end this post with my first public belly pic. Taken at 14 weeks, 5 days, this is old news now. I'd say I'm already bigger than I was when I delivered Ella.

Christmas Letters

My Dear Sweet Ella,
Our firstborn, our first love. We love and miss you greatly. It is hard to believe that tomorrow will be your first Christmas. You still would have been so tiny and probably wouldn’t have understood all of the festivities. But, we would have dressed you in your Christmas best. And, I imagine the family would have taken turns passing you around, fighting over who got to love on you next. You may not be here to open it, but yesterday your daddy wanted to go to the toy shop to buy a Christmas gift for you. We had it wrapped and it is sitting underneath the tree we decorated in your honor. It pangs me to know you will never open it, but I hope you were looking down on us and were able to see what we chose for you. You have touched many lives and many people have done good deeds in your honor. Just the other day, your Grandpa, Grandma, and Aunt Teena donated a bag of toys and books to the Children’s Hospital in your name. If I could have one Christmas wish for you, it would be for you to be happy. I hope that you are playing with all of the other angel babies in heaven and that your Grandpa Eric is supervising. Merry Christmas, sweet baby.
We love you! We will always love you!
Mommy and Daddy



Merry Christmas, Jelly Bean!
We loved you before we even knew about you. You have brought us much happiness and hope. Your daddy and I have many dreams for your future. We love and appreciate each moment we have with you and can’t wait to officially meet you in June (so please, stay put!). We long to hear your first screams and look into your eyes. Yesterday, we learned whether you are a boy or a girl. Both of us are just ecstatic and can’t believe how blessed we are. I’ve already started calling you by your possible name. Your dad is sticking to Jelly Bean- the name he coined, by the way. He thinks it should be your real name, too. Don’t worry… With a last name like ours, I’ll fight for you to have a simple, beautiful name. After our appointment, your daddy wanted to go to the toy store to purchase your first Christmas present. We bought one for Ella, too. Both gifts are sitting under the tree. We can’t wait to spend next Christmas with you.
All of our love,
Mommy and Daddy



Dear Daddy,
It is my second Christmas without you. I still can’t believe you are gone. You cross my mind several times a day. Just this morning I thought of you when a friend made a comment about her neighbors bbqing out in the freezing cold. I have so many memories of you bbqing in twenty degree weather when we lived in Boston. When I think of you at Christmas, I think of all of the yummy food you’d prepare for us to munch on. I still miss your pigs in a blanket- the one time of year you could catch me eating hot dogs. We always loved how you would go shopping and get us gifts that you picked out by yourself. Brook and I always teased that you could put together an outfit better than anybody. I certainly hope you aren’t alone this Christmas. I hope you are loving on Ella for me. All of my love.
Your baby daughter,
Bree

Bonjour, Butterfly

My good friend, Kathy gifted this beautiful book to Ella for her first Christmas. In the story, Fancy Nancy helps her best friend, Bree (I swear!) plan a butterfly themed birthday party. At the end of the book, (sorry, spoiler alert. LOL) Fancy Nancy visits a butterfly garden where a little blue butterfly lands on her- exactly what happened to me back in April. The best part of the book though, is the note Kathy wrote inside:

"Dear Ella,
On your first Christmas, we sure wish you were here, we wish we could know you and play with you and chase butterflies with you."

Kathy, this book means more to me than I can put into words. Thank you for remembering Ella and for all your support this year. I will treasure this book forever and look forward to reading it with Ella's siblings.



Many thanks and much love to Emalee, Kenner's mom for taking this picture of Ella's name in the Utah snow this weekend.

Trying to Catch the Spirit

I'm feeling a bit better this morning. After a sleepless night, I phoned and had a good cry with another baby loss mama (Thanks, Kate!). After hanging up the phone, I checked my email (as, I do just about every five minutes when I'm home). I had an email from Holly, who we all know does so much for our community. Holly generously offerred to send some scrapbooking supplies my way so that I can keep making my butterflies while I'm serving my house (bed) arrest. I know I am certainly not alone in this. And, everyday I am inspired by one of you to focus on the positive and do something good in Ella's honor. I really want to start concentrating on all of the wonderful things people ARE doing for me. After all, it's freaking Christmas, right?


A friend of my mother-in-law's painted this for me. She didn't even know about my obssession with butterflies. It is so beautiful. One of these days, I'm going to have it framed.


Some of you may have been fortunate enough to "meet" Sarita, another mom who lost her precious daughter, Meredith Helen many years ago. I received this beautiful "E" collage in the mail from her last week.

I also wanted to include a picture of the precious ornament my friend, Amber gave me last week for Ella's tree. However, my shaky hand would not allow me to take a clear picture this morning. But, I just wanted to publicly thank her, as well.

Thank you again to all of you for your kind and loving support this year, but especially over the last few days. I wish the world weren't so large and that we weren't seperated by so many states (and some of us, oceans). xoxo

**By the way, I've successfully exported my blog over to wordpress. As soon as I work through a few kinks, you all will be invited over there. :)

Mega Depressed

I feel more depressed than ever. The holidays are so painful with a broken heart. I am so angry. I feel like no one can say anything right (present company excluded). It doesn't make me feel better to know my daughter's an angel. Would you prefer if your daughter were one? I want my baby in my arms. That's all. Don't tell me everyone has their hard times and things will get better. Really? Everyone has held their non-breathing newborn baby in the arms. Really? No one gets it! How hard is it to send your condolences at Christmas time?

I am paralyzed with fear. I haven't left the house in days. Contractions at only 14 weeks? This can't be a good sign.

Sadness + Fear + Anger = Not Good

Need to Move.

I've got to get this blog moved! Anyone out there know how to move an entire blog to wordpress? I've got to be able to vent in a safe place about the woman formerly known as my mother. I've got to be able to share details about this baby without worrying she's reading. Sorry for spewing hate. Again....

Yesterday was a horrible day. I balled up on the couch and cried for hours. I miss E so much. I can't bear the thought of Christmas without her. I made my husband tell his family again, NO GIFTS! All of the gifts should have been for her this year. I cannot sit around and pretend to have Christmas without her. Tears were also shed over this baby. As hard as I'm trying, I really have no control over this one living or not. People in my real life don't understand this fear. It can so happen again. Pray, beg it won't. But, it can. And, if it does, it will be my body's fault.

The cherry on top was the extortion letter I received from my mother and her fawyer (fake ass lawyer). I started to have contractions immediately upon receipt. Her claims are false and she will never receive a dime of my $. I have been through so much. Now this, at the same time of carrying a very high risk pregnancy. I will NEVER forgive her. If you notice, I deleted my last post because I felt bad for saying I wished she had died instead of my dad. I take it back. I wish I would have left that post standing. She's endangering my pregnancy now.

Bumpy Ride & Ella's Nine Month Anniversary

I had my first post-cerclage scare last night. I guess I was prepared for this journey to be bumpy, but I hoped and still hope that this pregnancy would be different. Since the procedure, I've seen my doctor twice. I've been experiencing some cramping and bleeding. And, last night's ultrasound showed that I'm contracting (and, boy did I feel it too!). Each time I've gone to get checked out though, everything has looked okay. Baby still looks great. He's quite a mover and shaker. I don't remember Ella moving that much during her ultrasounds. But, maybe I just didn't know what I was looking at. My cervix and the stitch appear to still be alright too. My doctor expressed that she still feels really good about the outcome of this pregnancy, but feels like this is just going to be a long, difficult journey, that I will probably experience every symptom in the book. I asked if I could just move into her office or if it was possible to just perform a temporary lobotomy. Her response was that she would see me everyday if it helps. Tomorrow, I have my post-op appointment with my perinatologist. We are going to set up a plan for the next ten weeks or so. It is highly possible that because of my irritable uterus and bum cervix, I'll be going on bedrest soon. This morning I was thinking that I've been pregnant for almost 38 weeks (24 with Ella, 14 with Jelly Bean) and still worry that I'll have no (living) baby at the end of this. This pregnancy has been progressing very quickly. I can't believe that if I'm going to lose this baby due to IC, it could happen in the next four to eight weeks. I will never be ready to lose another baby, but four to eight weeks is just too soon. I want more time. I can't do this again. I just can't!

Yesterday, was the nine month anniversary of Ella's birth/death. My friend, Nimoli brought over the most adorable cupcake with Ella's name written on it in pink. I'll try to add the pictures here later.

My friend Kathy introduced me to the most adorable baby clothing website. When I saw this outfit, I wanted to buy it right away. This would have been the perfect Christmas outfit for Ella. I'm not a traditional, dressy type of girl. This is more my style and I know people would have gushed over Ella in this outfit!