Giving a Middle Finger to the Universe Today

AHHHHHHH! SCREAM! That's what I want to do today. I want to punch my hand through a wall. I want to jump off a building. I am so ANGRY today. I am angry that I do NOT have my daughter here with me. I am angry that today was supposed to be my baby shower. It feels so superficial to be angry over a stupid shower. But, I'm sad that I don't get to go show off my big, 33 weeks along belly. I don't get to go and celebrate Ella's impending arrival. I don't get to haul all of the gifts back to my house and set everything up. I was ROBBED! Robbed of my shower, robbed of a peaceful birth, robbed of bringing her home from the hospital, robbed of all her firsts- her first step, her first word, her first day of school. I'm angry that I have close family and friends who know what yesterday was (the two month anniversary of her birth), know what today is, know that Mother's Day was last weekend and that they don't even acknowledge me by sending an email, a text, or calling. I know my loss is not the center of THEIR universe, but it's only been two months since I birthed my baby, held her and then had to give her away so that she could be put to rest. I'm angry that I have a small group of friends who I used to work with that I invited to view this blog and they never even responded. At least, send an email that you haven't looked at it yet. Geez. And, for the first time, I'm feeling angry at my doctors. Ella was perfectly formed. There wasn't a thing wrong with her. She died because my body failed her. I'm wondering if my doctors did all they could to prevent this. Did they listen to me at every appointment when I DID state symptoms I had been having that CLEARLY relate to what happened? Were they aggressive enough with treatment? I'm not sure.