I didn't want to be a mom who lost her baby. I didn't want to leave the hospital with my arms empty. I don't want to be sitting here devastated over the loss of my baby.
But mostly, I don't want to be a sad, angry, bitter person for the rest of my life. I don't want to be angry with people who say the wrong things or ignore me. I don't want to avoid friends who are pregnant or who have small children. I want so badly to be in the present, to appreciate the things I still have. I'm not entirely sure how to do this, but it is my ultimate goal.
I went to my first support group this week. I was really looking forward to going and I loved it. It was just me and four other women. It was nice to hear how others are dealing with their losses and to be able to talk about everything and feel that I didn't have to make small talk- I could talk openly and honestly. We all lost our babies for different reasons, but are all experiencing the same emotions. I wish the support group was held every day and that I didn't have to wait a month for another meeting.
Friday, May 8, 2009
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I made a similar post recently. It definitely changes you, to lose your precious baby. I agree that this is all so much stuff I didn't want to experience. I'm glad to hear the support group helped. I hope Sunday isn't too unbearable for you. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI understand. I see many people who have become bitter with permanent frowns painted on their faces and it makes me strive to not be that way. Not to forget my son and move on, but to continue to live with a purpose despite the pain. Some days are better than others though but in general the anger and bitterness is subsiding. My support group helps so much too- I think we're going to try to start getting together informally during the middle of the month because it does feel so long between meetings sometimes. We did dinner once and it was nice having people around who understood the pain but our conversations also easily moved into all aspects of our lives which was nice. ((hugs))
ReplyDeletei completely agree....no one wants to be that way, unfortunately we are the rare few that get chosen to endure this awful event.
ReplyDeletethings will turn around...when and how - i don't know, i just know that this is the worst and it can only get BETTER...
praying for you!!
I think all of us DBM's have similar posts to this. We don't really want to be that sad person that so many people avoid...but have a hard time being "normal". I find that I'm creating a new normal...it's definitely not the easiest thing to do every day, though.
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