Not as Bad as I Thought

Well, the weekend wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I was feeling anxious about attending a memorial service for my dad. Yes, he died 14 months ago, but a friend of his wanted to host a service for him at her church. I wasn't looking forward to it. I felt like I didn't want to go through that emotional rollercoaster again. But, it turned out to be a nice day. It was nice just to think about my dad again and honor him.

My sister came to town with her five beautiful children for the service. Three of them are under five years of age, so she was running after them the entire time. I quickly jumped in and tried to prevent a few accidents. In the midst of it all, I couldn't help but think that I wanted to be doing that with Ella. I want to not get to eat my food because I have to run after Ella who is getting into everything. Some might think that women who lose their babies tend to romanticize motherhood. But, I know I am missing the good and the crazy, exhausting parts of motherhood.

Okay there was one sucky moment that occurred that night. My uncle showed me a picture of my cousin's new baby on his cell phone. The baby was born 12 days before Ella. I just looked at the picture and said, "oh, she's beautiful." Then, tried to change the subject. I didn't mind being shown the picture of the new baby. But, it would have been nice if he would have acknowledged the fact that I had a baby girl too, shortly after this one was born. I had a picture of Ella in my purse too. I could have totally whipped it out and showed it to him. But, honestly, I'm very protective of her picture and choose to only share it with people who've been there for me and I feel supported by.

I think part of the reason why the weekend was bearable was because I started taking an antidepressant on Thursday. So far, I'm loving Lexapro! My doctor actually prescribed the meds for me when I left the hospital. I took it for a few days, but felt like it blocked my ability to cry. I wasn't ready to feel "good." I wanted to immerse myself in the pain. This past week, I had been feeling stuck in the pit of grief. Stuck in the rage of anger... I decided that I was ready to feel a bit lighter. I'm only taking 5 mg and I still feel sad, I still miss my little girl, but I am also feeling a bit hopeful- I see a little bit of my old self again. It's a nice balance, if that makes sense.

I also decided to start taking the antidepressants because I've been thinking about TTC. My doctor has given us the all clear to try again. I told myself that if I am really up for trying again, I needed to feel a bit better psychologically. I know it is easier to conceive when you are relaxed. I also know that I have to be ready to fight. I have to prepare myself for feeling sad if we don't conceive right away. I have to be ready to face the fear of losing another baby. I have to be ready to ride the emotional rollercoaster of a subsequent pregnancy.