Monday, May 18, 2009

Guilt

I've been feeling really guilty about the decision I made to not resuscitate Ella at birth. Yes, I know I said that Ella passed before I even delivered her, but what if I had said that I wanted the doctors to do everything in their power to save her? Perhaps they would have monitored Ella more closely during the labor. I know I am thinking about this because I have met a couple of women online who's 23 weekers survived with minimal effects. I also know that if I brought a healthy baby home from the hospital and then was later told that she had birth defects or was sick, I would have fought for them to get better. I wouldn't have given up. Deep down I know I made the best decision I could have at the time. But, I will always wonder if Ella would be here with me had I made a different decision.

2 comments:

  1. KateMay 18, 2009 at 3:11 PM

    We lost our sweet Zoelle at 23.3 weeks as well. I too think the same thing. Our daughter was born alive and lived for almost an hour. We chose to withhold life saving measures. Zoelle died in my husbands arms. It was the hardest decision of our lives. I can't imagine ever making one more difficult. Your blog has really touched my heart. Our babies were the same age, and died close to the same time. Your Ella is your little butterfly, as is our Zoelle. At her memorial service I spoke of her being my butterfly...her tiny urn has 2 silver butterflies on it as well. I can relate to how you are feeling and the sadness you are experiences. My best advice is to try to be gentle on yourself. It isn't an easy journey. I look forward to sharing our stories and helping each other through these difficult times.

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  2. AngelaMay 19, 2009 at 9:53 AM

    I think no matter the circumstance, anyone who has lost a baby thinks of all the things they could have done differently to try to save their little one. I know I think of a lot of things...too many to name them all...I mainly think that IF we would have taken the decreased movement as not a sign that she was "ready" but a sign that something may be wrong, just maybe going to the hospital she would have still been alive. And that is something I have to live with. The truth is we make the best decisions we can at the time for our little ones.

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