In all that I do lately, I can't help but feel "I shouldn't be doing this. I'm supposed to be pregnant."
I shouldn't be out walking at the beach, I'm supposed to be in bed waiting for July 10th. I shouldn't be doing my hot yoga or scrubbing my bathtub.
Yesterday, my mom took me for a lovely spa day. I spent a lot of time thinking, pregnant women shouldn't go in saunas, I shouldn't be here, I'm supposed to be pregnant. I shouldn't be eating feta cheese on my salad and drinking a glass a wine.
This Friday, I would be 31 weeks along. I am supposed to attend my first birthing class on Saturday and then celebrate Mother's Day on Sunday, looking forward to my first Mother's Day next year. I'm supposed to have my baby shower May 16th.
My mom told me that she wants to have a family photo done when my sister and her kids come to visit Memorial Day weekend. I thought, I don't want my photo taken, I should be pregnant and happy in that photo and now I am nothing.
Every time I see a pregnant woman or a couple with a small baby, I think that is supposed to be me.
The sad thing is, it doesn't seem like this feeling will ever go away. No matter how many babies I have in the future, I will always feel that Ella was supposed to here.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
You are right. Even if you have ten children, Ella will always be missing. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It sucks. Is there any way you can represent Ella in the picture, with a pin or a teddy bear? I hate the idea of you having to have the picture without her. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a drink for a long time after losing Ellis. It was completley irrational, but I still felt like having alcohol was somehow betraying Ellis. I still miss Ellis just as much, but it has gotten easier, not only get through the day, but also to enjoy it. My heart goes out to you. It's really tough.
ReplyDeleteAnd that feeling will never go away. We are 3 months past losing our Ella, and all I can think is I am supposed to have a baby, and be celebrating Mother's Day, and enjoying being a mom, not hating my life.
ReplyDeleteOh Anonymous, I wish you had a blog so I could read your story and tell you how sorry I am that you lost your Ella.
ReplyDeleteYes, there will always be a piece of you missing now. The way I explain it is that my boys each took a small piece of my heart to heaven with them. It's not necessarily something that anyone can see from the outside...as I can "fake" with the best of them...it's just something that I live with. Always missing and always loving.
ReplyDelete